PMS Diaries

Almost midnight and I'm awake... That only means one thing. The Red Monster has arrived. Greetings, favorite people in the world. It's my birthday week and my body is in auto-sabotage mode. My period decided to grace my life three days before her due date and I'm already borderline intoxicated with Midol and Ibuprofen.  For someone like me, anything past 10:00 o' clock is past my bedtime. I'm living on the edge by even considering being productive tomorrow after not having eight hours of sleep. But hey, I'm all about the YOLO life. Talking about YOLO, after careful consideration and a terrible hangover Monday morning, I decided not to drink ever again. We all know that's a lie but I don't think my body will be able to endure that kind of behavior anytime soon. I mean, it was fun, I had a great weekend but the consequences were destructive.  Oh! And guess who has been working out and eating healthy? This bitch right here! Wanna know why and how y...

I twisted my ankle two hours ago... I started writing this entry on April 26th and here we are, it only took me two weeks and a half. Greetings, muffins! Iiiiiit's Monday and it feels like one too. I had a couple of beers yesterday celebrating the mamas around me and as usual, I'm regretting it. Also, guess what? Yes, you're right! I'm fucking ovulating. #Blessed . But let's go back to my ankle. It was a Thursday afternoon, I was minding my business at the office and forgot to close the pet gate. A cat walked in, I freaked out, tried to chase him away but my leg was asleep so I kind of sprained my ankle. It was terrible! My legs weren't shaved and I had a three-week-old pedicure gracing my toes. I waited around seven hours for Ryan to drive me to the hospital cause "it wasn't that serious" and "it could wait". I ended up with some ornamental crutches, bandages and a fascinating medical bill for my collection. I'm still in pain an...

Is it that hard to pay someone to give me those quirky romantic comedy bangs!? Yes, it is. Very. I have serious trust issues with cosmetologists... Hello, beautiful unicorns! It's PMS week and I'm alive and able to tell my story. No, I wasn't kidnapped or banned from writing. Yes, I'm still in a relationship. Hell, I posted a #MCM picture on Instagram this week. I know, it's been a while but nothing has changed. My life continues to be an emotional roller coaster and the weather keeps being an asshole in good ol' Cincinnati. When people ask me how my relationship is going, I always answer "I haven't killed him so I guess it's fine". I think it's a pretty fucked up answer but that's the rawest reply I can provide. In all honesty, we've been pretty fucking amazing. Ryan went on a guys trip to Nashville last weekend and we've been in a honeymoon phase since he came back. Deep down I know it will be over pretty soon. Quite fran...

Am I diabetic? Is eating a bag of Oreo Thin Crisps and a bag of Baked Ruffles almost at the same time, considered dieting? I mean, they're healthy, goddamnit! Hello, folks! I'm already ovulating cause there's a lord out there blessing me unconditionally. These past few days have been crazy, to say the least. Zillow was part of my favorites and I staged some pretty amazing fake dates in my Instagram story. Delirious you're calling me? Yes, you're completely right. But... I had my reasons. I won't get into details though. That's not my style. I mean, it is but not for serious matters.  On Monday I talked about this huge zit that I had on my nose. On Tuesday I had three additional ones. Today, I checked my period tracker and the little green dot announcing my ovulation was visiting. I seriously can't catch a break! I've been craving/eating sweets all damn week. I'm killing the whole "No, I'm a salty/greasy food kind of gal" thing....

Not really but it feels like it... Hellooooo! It's gloomy, it's Monday and us common folks needed to work. I've been on a drinking spree since last Wednesday after the pizza incident and it sounds way more intense than what it's been. The wildest night consisted of five beers, so, it's not that bad. Is that something an alcoholic would've said? Do you feel that after your period is over, you start overanalyzing your life? Specifically, your life decisions? Was it pushed by THAT pimple on my nose? Yes, that one that decided to visit after the blood fest came to an end. Has it gotten worse since I discovered the Post Menstrual Syndrome? Like, yeah, now it has a name and it's something real so it will be an excuse. Is it the weather? I'm currently in Cincinnati, Ohio and I don't think it will ever get warm. It's either snow, rain or both with an average of 30 something degrees. Afterall, it has been confirmed that weather has a negative effect o...

And I ain't lying! Hi! You know when you have some leftovers in the fridge and you've been thinking about them all afternoon? You had an early lunch but it doesn't matter because once you're home, you can warm that shit up and enjoy it. You walked in, opened the fridge and the pizza is motherfucking gone...  — "Hey, did you eat the pizza?" — "Yeah!" — "All of it?" — "Yeah! Why? I wasn't supposed to?" IM ON MY FUCKING PERIOD AND FOOD IS MY NUMBER ONE CONCERN! I mean, after all, I bought that for myself, on my date night with myself to watch Girls Trip by myself. You weren't even part of the equation. What makes you think it's okay to eat what was left of the damn pizza!?  After cleaning around, cause you know, even that is hard, I noticed that one of the cats was locked in the office. Folks, I've talked about my fucking office before. This is my sanctuary! I've done some "changes" and I ...

Except yourself... Greetings from hell! Welcome to the first official day of my period. What a day to be alive! Period farts and diarrhea? Yes, please! I called off work, I've been in bed all day and used a bar of soap as a bath bomb mistakenly. Yes, I will love to talk crap about Ryan but aside from the three bath bombs (one of them was a soap as explained before), he bought me food, Midol and carrot cake. I can't say shit. How are women capable of having a normal life while their uterus is exploding and starting WWIII inside of them? As I mentioned before, this is a monthly struggle for me. Some months aren't as bad but it compensates with the overthinking and the craziness. It's a combination of frustration and not being capable of controlling what's going on and for a control freak, that's bullshit. The only way that I can seize the pain is with pain medication. And on a real note, the statistics of prescription painkiller overdoses among women are gett...